"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed."

"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'"

"It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull."

"It does no harm just once in a while to acknowledge that the whole country isn't in flames, that there are people in the country besides politicians, entertainers, and criminals."

"Think to yourself that every day is your last; the hour to which you do not look forward will come as a welcome surprise."

"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."

"YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

"Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom."