"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."

"I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer."

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."

"Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence."

"Television is democracy at its ugliest."

"To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence."

"If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists."

"Non-violence does not signify that man must not fight against the enemy, and by enemy is meant the evil which men do, not the human beings themselves."